Master(de)bating

Well, I don’t know why, but I feel terrific today. This despite the fact that Jet Screamer, Dino and I were all awake and chipper at 4 am, for no good reason. Normally it would be linked to anxiety, but in this case we seem just to have spontaneously woken up, after not enough sleep, feeling great. We watched a fitness machine infomercial, and an episode of “I Dream of Jeannie”, which was unfortunately the first part of a two-part episode so I’m going to have to get up at four tomorrow morning as well.

I feel much better today about the possibility of voting for John Kerry, after his performance at the “debate” last night (which was in no way a debate, but we all knew that).

The University of Miami is, of course, one of my many Alma Maters, and I hope the candidates got a chance to take a stroll down by the lake, which this time of year smells like rotting corpses covered in feces and limberger cheese. I had my own brush with Presidential politics, sort of, when I sang the Fight Song at my graduation ceremonies in 1998, where President Bush ’41 and his lovely wife Bar gave thinly-veiled stump speeches for gubernatorial candidate Jeb – errr, I mean, commencement addresses. This was in the heady days before 9/11, and I was unfortunately misinformed about where to meet in order to ascend the dais with the rest of the Presidential party. At the very last instant I was rushed into line beside Bar, no asking for my credentials, no frisking to see what I might have concealed under my gown – ah, those were the days!

Just the other day I was talking with Dr. Proctor, Dino’s vet and father of one of Jet Screamer’s voice students, and we both agreed that we couldn’t vote for Bush, but didn’t want to vote for Kerry. But I think he handled himself all right last, clarified some things that needed it, and America seems to agree. I find I don’t really care so much anymore if he flip-flops. In the words of Walt Whitman:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

I’ve been listening to conservative pundit Michael Graham this morning, and am delighted to hear the poor Republicans calling in to vent their disappointment in the President. The best Mr. Graham can say in his defense is that he “didn’t screw up”.

I’m happy to say the President met every expectation I had – lots of slouching, blank stares, uncomfortable silences, and petulant repetitions of “The world is better off without Saddam Hussein” (He may as well have stomped his feet. A couple of times he looked like Spanky on “Our Gang” having a conniption fit). He even threw in the Freudian slip of saying “Saddam Hussein” when he was really talking about Osama bin Laden. Having expected all of this, there’s only ONE thing that still manages to get under my skin….


THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN LANGUAGE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME VIEWERS


Condoleeza, or someone, can you take some fucking initiative and FUCKING TEACH HIM HOW TO SAY “NUCLEAR”? He’s the FUCKING LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. It’s NU-CLE-AR, it’s pronounced EXACTLY the way it’s spelled, NOTHING could be easier. Moron.

And when you’ve accomplished that, you can take a stab at “peninsula”, “Vladimir”, and “Mullah”.

My only advice to Kerry is to not try and smile so much. You’ll NEVER look better than your dreamy Vice President, so stop trying. When you smile, you look a bit like my beloved mother when the world is falling apart and she’s trying to put on a brave face so the children won’t know anything’s wrong. Just stay stoic-looking, it’s more Presidential.

In other news, Justice Antonin Scalia, an arch-conservative, thinks sex orgies will cure society’s ills. Nice.