The Mane Event (ha ha, get it?)

Tongues are wagging since yesterday’s post, apparently, desirous of knowing exactly what was said in the reply to my letter to William Shatner, regarding his chest hair. To recap: I wrote to William Shatner when I was twelve, demanding to know why he had chest hair in TJ Hooker and not in Star Trek (incidentally, I say TJ Hooker when I tell the story, but I don’t think it actually WAS TJ Hooker when I first noticed the change; I think it was actually Kingdom of the Spiders, a terrifically horrible ABC Movie of the Week.) I have no idea why I was obsessed with chest hair at such a tender age, but it was around this same time that I meticulously drew chest hair on my Six Million Dollar Man doll with a felt-tip pen, carefully studying episodes to make sure I got the pattern just right, and I can recall my delight when 7th-grade Health teacher Rick Bond declared that most men have some chest hair.

At any rate, I did receive a reply, and while I would give anything to still have it (think of the price I could get on eBay!) it has, alas, been lost to the ravages of time. The letterhead was emblazoned with the ostentatious logo of his then-official fan club, “The William Shatner Fellowship”. The letter was signed not by Bill himself, but by a secretary or publicist or somesuch. To paraphrase, the letter said something to the effect of “Mr Shatner has indeed always had hair on his chest, but the NBC censors of the late sixties felt that a smooth chest presented a more all-American image. Thank you for your interest.”

Writing this just now, I am appalled that anyone could think that a bare chest is more “American” than a hairy one. Why, what could be MORE wholesome or natural than a torso covered in thick, luxuriant hair? Our modern culture has unfortunately become fixated on reshaping oneself to meet some arbitrary standard of beauty that is dictated by the media. Thus, the “ideal” male form has been established for us all by silly twits who live in New York City, wear wrinkled, untucked shirts, and spread their gospel of inconsequence on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”.

Anyone who puts any thought into it – and trust me, I’ve put a LOT of thought into it - will realize that men with body hair are more sexy, appear more primal and aggressive, and markedly more mysterious than those without body hair. Therefore, they are also decidedly less feminine.

For men without natural chest hair I feel only pity. For men who have chest hair but voluntarily rid themselves of it, I have nothing but pure contempt. As Little Sister Bamm-Bamm so accurately observes, “There’s nothing sicker on a man than chest stubble, except maybe arm stubble. Chest hair is a sign of verility, manliness, and overall sexiness. The upkeep alone on shaving has got to be ridiculous and time consuming. If you're THAT hairy, on the back and such, then you may have the back waxed, but n'more.” (Personally, I'm even against back waxing. Though I've no need for the barbaric procedure myself, Jet Screamer earned his surname a thousand times over last time he tried it. Yeeeeowch!)

The only thing sillier than a man who rids himself completely of body hair is the peculiar South Beach-inspired custom of keeping a perpetual five o’clock chest shadow, as if you shaved yourself head-to-toe YESTERDAY, but just couldn’t be bothered TODAY.

Science can tell us little about the purpose of body hair – or perhaps more accurately, science can’t tell us why we don’t have MORE hair. As a trip to the local zoo will demonstrate, humans are the only primates NOT covered in hair, and in fact, are among only a handful of mammals, period, who are not hyper-hirsute. Of those mammals (whales, manatees, etc) we are the only ones whose hairlessness does not seem to be an evolutionary result of our environment, leading some scientists to postulate that man has recently been an aquatic creature and has only lately returned to land.

Others believe that man lost his hair in order to better regulate body temperature, but go spend a night naked on the African Veldt and tell me how well THAT works. Or, perhaps, we lost our hair to better protect ourselves from ticks and lice…unfortunately leaving us even more vulnerable to a whole host of OTHER parasites, as well as to the negative effects of ultraviolet radiation.

So what I suggest, scientists, is a comprehensive study of chest hair the world over, tracking both genetic and sociological trends. I will volunteer to be a researcher.

Finally, as an exercise in how busy we can keep ourselves at work WITHOUT actually working, Littlle Sister Bamm-Bamm and I have compiled our top ten lists of celebrities who are brave enough to display themselves in all their natural splendor.

Little Sister Bamm-Bamm’s list (italicized commentary is mine)

10. Rick Springfield (I argued with this, since I couldn’t find any pictures of him with more than three hairs. But I allowed it, as he starred on a cartoon show that only I remember, Mission Magic)

9. Paul Stanley (from Kiss. At least she didn't say Gene Simmons.)

8. David Lee Roth (Hasn’t aged well, but he was all right in his day)

7.Billy Bob Thornton (Ewwww. But it gives me a chance to add this link, in which he proves conclusively that he is a booze-addled kook)

6. Chris Noth (???? Less hair than Rick Springfield, AND he’s smarmy.)

5. JR Reed (lead singer of Trainwreck- see the archives for my review!)

4. Barry Williams (yes, Greg Brady, and who could argue?)

3. Bret Michaels (from Poison – I’m sure I knew who he was at one time, but am having trouble placing him)

2. Jeremy Piven (he was on my short list, but has recently been shaving, to my chagrin)

1. Alec Baldwin (see below)

My list:

10. Ed Harris (rent Swing Shift, and you’ll see more than his chest!)

9. William Holden (I’m ready for MY close-up, TOO, Mr. DeMille!)

8. Gil Gerard (don’t forget, The Complete Buck Rogers coming to DVD next month!)

7. Tom Selleck (so he’s homophobic. Nobody’s perfect.)

6. Stephen Collins (7th Heaven indeed. I'd bump him up to 3rd or 4th heaven)

5. Hugh Jackman (And what a range – Wolverine to Peter Allen in the same year!)

4. Alec Baldwin (you see, Little Sister Bamm-Bamm, we don’t have to argue about EVERYTHING)

3. Aldo Ray (LSB-B doesn’t even know who he is. I suggest she rent God’s Little Acre right away, with the added bonus of seeing Michael Landon play a retarded albino, and Tina Louise NOT playing Ginger)

2. Patrick Warburton (LSBB is very chagrined she forgot him for her list)

1. Sean Connery (So I lied, someone IS perfect. I don’t care HOW old he gets or HOW misogynistic he seems in interviews.)

So, there you have it. Commentary and additions will be accepted for a limited time only.