I got nothin', so I'll just rant

Hey, Katie Couric, welcome back from your vacation! Here’s a tip, sweetie…if you want to allay suspicions that there’s a “liberal bias” in the media, it’s probably best NOT to begin your interview with Republican strategist Mary Matalin with the question, “So how worried ARE you about tomorrow night’s debate?” Maybe something more along the lines of asking how Ms. Matalin feels, rather than trying to put words in her mouth, which is a favorite tack of your fellow idiot, Sean Hannity.

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Hey, Mary Matalin – STOP HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY. Your eyes are on opposite sides of your head, you look like an anime drawing. For God’s sake, grow old gracefully. You’re not even THAT old. Trust me, there’s only one thing that looks worse than a woman who’s had plastic surgery, and that’s a man who’s had plastic surgery. Luckily, I and my kin are blessed with plump faces and strong cheekbones, we will always look fifteen years younger than we really are, and that’s no joke!

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So, tomorrow’s the big debate, that may very well be a key deciding factor in the future of our nation…with that in mind, can’t we PLEASE find something more substantive to talk about than the color of John Kerry’s skin? Honestly, if that’s the worst the Republicans can do, then they really have nothin’, and they know it.

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There are lots of things DC needs, like better schools, and better roads, and representation in Congress, and Marion Barry run out of town. They do NOT need a baseball team and a forty-million dollar stadium plunked down in the middle of a slum, that no one will be able to get to because the Metro sucks and the traffic gridlock will be impassable. So shut up already about the baseball team. Sports suck.

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Attention, all men who are on the approved substitute list for the Washington National Cathedral Choir of Men and Boys: if someone calls you and asks you to sub for them, answer your goddamn phone messages. And if someone calls you AND emails you, and then calls you AGAIN, answer SOMETHING. And if someone secures your services and trusts you to be there the next day, GO. And if you don’t go, CALL SOMEONE AND TELL THEM YOU”RE NOT GOING. Idiots. I am petty and vindictive, and I have all your names. You’ve been warned.

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5 Comics that are stupid and should stop being printed in the newspaper:

Beetle Bailey – Hey, Mort Walker , next time you want to “spice up” the strip, instead of adding a new racial stereotype character, why not ship Beetle off to Iraq?

Family Circus – I’ve just gotten hold of Bil Keane’s Monthly Planner. Here’s what it says:

Sunday strip ideas:

Oct 3- Drawn by 7-year old Billy
Oct 10 – Not Me/Ida Know
Oct 17 – Dead Grampa
Oct 24 – Trail of dotted lines around the neighborhood
Oct 31 – All the kids talk at once

November – repeat

Cathy – too many damn words.

Zippy the Pinhead – I’m smart and I love pop culture, and even I don’t know what the hell drugs this guy’s on.

Garfield – Okay, he likes to eat. I get it.

Honorable mention: Heloise – if you need to save money so badly that you will cut up old towels in order to make washcloths, or hoard old cardboard paper towel rollers so you have a place to store your hair scrunchies, THEN have the time to WRITE A LETTER ABOUT IT, then you have enough time on your hands to get a second job and alleviate your money woes.

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READER MAIL: Okay, I don’t have any. I DO have lots of comments from known associates, as well as many anonymous posts (I’m certain it’s all the same person, but I delude myself into believing that each “anonymous” post is from a new reader). Rest assured, if you DO write me a letter that invites response, you’ll get one, and it will be pithy.