Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The War on Christmas

Sigh. There's a clever new email making the rounds this Christmas season:

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,A
bout Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

And my response. Feel free to cut and paste it yourself, should you choose:

‘Twas some weeks before Christmas, and all thru the town,
decorations were hung over trees not yet brown.
“Why the rush?” I did muse, “to be merry and gay,
when we’ve not even set our Thanksgiving buffet?”

Yet the ‘Christians’ were out, and they dared to declare,
“You won’t let us be Christians! It just isn’t fair!
We want to hear 'Christmas' when we go to the stores,
To buy our big-screen TVs and dress our daughters like whores!”

I puzzled a bit at their public distress;
Surely Jesus would not have endorsed such a mess?
It was He, after all, who was heard to intone,
“When you pray, go away, thou shalt do it alone!” (Matthew 6:5-6)

“You have every freedom in this land of ours,
To go pray in the courthouses, schools, even bars!
The problem, you see, is that if you had your druthers
You’d dictate the prayers that should be said by all others!”

“But our nation,” they cried, “is a Christian-y land,
We’re being oppressed, you don’t understand!
The Founding Fathers were God-fearing all,
They would want us to celebrate Mass at the mall!”

I puzzled some more, for a cursory glance
Through the History books showed a very slim chance
That the great men who founded our Nation would care
If you’re Christian or Jewish or something more rare!

Washington, Jefferson, Adams, and Paine,
State-sponsored worship they all did disdain.
One can imagine just how much more
They would have detested religion pushed by a store!

“Besides,” I then thought, “I’m as Christian as you,
but have many friends – Atheist, Muslim, and Jew.
My ‘Happy Holidays’ doesn’t slight your belief,
But acknowledges theirs – so what’s your beef?”

But my words of good sense fell on ignorant ears,
Who continued to rail against imaginary fears.
So to you, dearest friends, these four words I transmit;
Happy Holidays to all – even dumb hypocrites.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Ted's Haggard, pt. 2

And just when you thought the religious right couldn't be any more hypocritical than it already is.....

They knew he was gay all along.

The money quote: Sheldon disclosed that he and “a lot” of others knew about Haggard’s homosexuality “for awhile ... but we weren’t sure just how to deal with it.”

Monday, November 06, 2006

Ted's haggard

Well, anyone who couldn't tell at first sight that Ted Haggard is gay is at best stupid, at worst severely mentally handicapped.

Plus, I wonder why it's news anymore when a Republican and/or Fundamentalist Christian is revealed as a hypocrite.

Jet, however, has taken particular delight in this particular downfall, having spent part of his childhood in a non-denominational Fundamentalist "New-Life" -ish congregation. He had this to say:

Perhaps it is not a Christian thing for me to say, but I'm delighted that a man, who based his life on preaching and promoting a doctrine contrary to our healthy commitment, has been ironically brought down by the very vice he worked to suppress with hatred and criticism.

Monday, October 30, 2006

My Life's Purpose

Has been found. See here.

Sunday, October 15, 2006


Feh. A milestone is a milestone. And because I'm now an "eductaor", the item that put me over the mark was 25% off at Borders.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Why I hate Heloise

The Florida Times-Union, Thursday, September 7, 2006: (I apologize in advance for the salty language. Reading Heloise sends me into a rage that cannot be described. I really may need medication for it someday.)

Dear Heloise: So often when we go to eat Mexican food, we do not eat all the chips they bring with the salsa. I always take them home, crush them and freeze them. They make an excellent topping for casseroles, squash, taco bake, hash browns or any of your favorites.
R. Neuse, Seguin, Texas

Well, Mr. or Mrs. Neuse, my first piece of advice is to stop throwing around phrases like "taco bake" like people will even know what the hell you are talking about. I imagine it could have easily been grouped under the all-encompassing "casseroles". Oh, and by the way, I weep for your dinner guests who are being served casseroles topped with old thawed corn chips that probably were stale before you even crushed them up and snuck them out of the restaurant in your pocketbook.

My other source of concern is, who the fuck doesn't eat all the chips they bring with the salsa at a Mexican restaurant?!? I can't get enough chips at a Mexican restaurant, they have to bring me three or four baskets before the meal is served, and at least two after.

And just when I thought I would never see anything as stupid as a reader writing to Heloise to suggest doing crossword puzzles in pencil, rather than pen....

Dear Heloise: I always have a pitcher of iced tea in my fridge. When I feel like having a cup of hot tea, I just pour a cup of iced tea in a cup and put it in the microwave.
Margaret Caswell, Waterloo, N.Y.

A quick Google search shows that a Margaret Caswell was a teacher at DeWitt High School between 1955-1962. If it is indeed the same Margaret Caswell, I think she may have since turned retarded. I mean, what happens if she uses up all of her iced tea making hot tea, and then wants iced tea all of a sudden? Besides, retarded people shouldn't be playing with microwaves OR hot liquids.

After the rains....

...the whole neighborhood smells like licorice. Very STRONGLY of licorice. I really have no explanation for it, unless the Maxwell House plant is adding anise to its coffee, or perhaps there's been an uprising in the harbour and angry natives have dumped a shipload of ouzo overboard.

Monday, September 04, 2006


All the menacing creatures he's wrestled to the ground without a scratch, and he gets killed by a stingray?

That's wrong, man.

Why couldn't something sting Paris Hilton, or Jessica Simpson, or someone equally as useless?