Zookeeper Blues

Little Friend has written to inform us that Ohio, although they ratified homophobia, in the same stroke passed a tax levy to benefit the Columbus Zoo. Meaning they care more about animals than their gay friends and neighbors.

Well, fine then. Since this is war, I’m now forced to divulge a piece of celebrity gossip in return.

Anyone who watches David Letterman will undoubtedly know of “Jungle” Jack Hanna, “America’s Favorite Zookeeper”. I will admit he did a lot to turn the Columbus Zoo around when he became its director in 1978.

I share an alma mater with Jack, though rumor had it he never officially graduated, but the college claimed him as an alumnus once he became famous. They did the same with John Glenn. And Agnes Moorehead, though she actually did graduate by all accounts.

So there Jack was, running the Columbus Zoo, and hosting an insipid local television show with his teenage daughter Kathy, who wore too-tight sweaters and had high teased bangs and had that raspy cheerleader voice that makes girls sound dirty. And along came Mona Scott.

Mona Scott was part of the ultra-popular Mona Scott-Doug Adair news team on Channel 4, having come from a successful run in Cleveland. She and Doug presented the image of a perfect married couple and handled all the fluff stories that serious reporters disdained.

Well, one day, Mona Scott disappeared. Just wasn’t there anymore, leaving the pathetic Doug to carry the torch alone. The papers reported that she had gone to Florida to be with her sisters, and rumors flew about a possible nervous breakdown.

And in fact, when I moved to Florida years later, she popped up briefly on the morning show on Orlando's Channel 9.

But now the real story can be told. According to my sources, Mona Scott and Jungle Jack were embroiled in a torrid affair. They had agreed that they would leave their respective spouses and run off together.

So Mona told Doug she was leaving.

And Jack backed out.

And that’s the story of Jack and Mona. I’m only telling you what I heard.

Mona, apparently, lived happily ever after and now writes a grammar column for a local newspaper.

Jack, of course, is Jack.

More later. If you're bored and your computer has Quicktime, go watch this music video. It does this whenever it is told.