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Speaking of ill-advised matches, Star Jones, apparently the only woman ever to get married, wed banker Al Reynolds last weekend, and like most blushing brides, squeezed herself into a too-small dress (and undoubtedly a dainty pair of Payless shoes to match).
She also, in a showcase of tastelessness that surpassed anything anyone could have expected, even from Star Jones;
- Sent out “rule books” to all the guests instructing them how to dress and act.
- Employed a team of “hostesses” to turn away female guests who looked better than the bride(I am forced to assume, then, that there were no women present).
- Yelled at The View co-host Joy Behar, on the air, because she brought a camera. To a WEDDING.
- Didn’t pay for anything at her wedding, because she traded on-air mentions for free crap.
You go, girl.
Now, it’s too late for me to advise Star on what she should do, but I’m going to offer a word or two to any single ladies who may be reading.
If your fiancé…
1) has shared a home with other men on fire island
2) has stated, in the press, that you are “okay with” his past
3) attended, two weeks before your wedding, a gay-only Halloween party dressed as a male stripper
4) organized his own bachelor party, with a “Roman Baths” theme, and instructed all the guests (men only!) that they were to take off their clothes for the duration of the party and sign a confidentiality agreement...
…then he is GAY. You should NOT be marrying him. You should FORCE him to confront the truth about himself, because he’s only marrying you in a desperate attempt to “fix” himself, and it won’t work, and before you know it there will be children involved, and it will all be a big mess. And don't feed me the bullcrap about how he's bi. I guarantee he didn't sneak out on his boyfirend to sleep with you.
I might add that Star and Al were both raised in the Southern Baptist Church, which is a hotbed of gay men trying to pretend they’re straight and marrying women. I’m just sayin’.
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Thinking of Sears made me think of Lazarus, the now-defunct downtown department store in Columbus, Ohio, founded in 1851 by Columbus’ first ordained Rabbi, Simon Lazarus, and closing last year after years of decline. The Christmas that I was finally old enough to ride the bus, downtown, by myself, and go Christmas shopping at Lazarus was a happy day indeed. Never mind that I was tall for my age, my voice hadn’t changed yet, I was wearing Mother Rubble’s overcoat because I didn’t have one, my hair was long, and everyone thought I was a woman. Honest. I was called “ma’am” twice by salespeople and got three perfume samples.
Lazarus had a lighted Christmas tree on top of the store that could be seen citywide, signaling the start of the Christmas season. Every year, the store filled its display windows with a themed animatronics display, and there was a little walkway set up around the perimeter so that children could get up nice and close and press their grimy noses against the glass, and watch the robotic elves filling stockings, and Mrs. Claus knitting, and the like. Inside, the entire sixth floor was transformed into Santa’s Wonderland, the centerpiece of which was the Magic Talking Tree, who would tell jokes and stories and, for some reason, had a giant Jabba the Hutt-like red tongue that would pop out at inappropriate times.
Lazarus invented the Secret Gift Shop, introduced in 1957 and copied by stores across the country. There young children could shop alone—no adults were allowed except for the staff members designated to work the area—and peruse the shelves full of plastic Faberge Eggs and polyester print ties and tiny bottles of “French” perfume, to delight their harried parents with on Christmas morning!
Lazarus also invented the extended holiday shopping season. Thanksgiving used to fall on the last Thursday of November, no matter how many Thursdays there were. In 1939, Thanksgiving fell on Nov. 30, leaving only a paltry 24 shopping days til Christmas. Fred Lazarus, Jr. proposed that the consumer economy could be helped, in most years, if Thanksgiving occurred on the fourth Thursday in November instead of the last Thursday. When President Franklin D. Roosevelt learned of the suggestion, he was enthusiastic about such a change, and in 1941 the change was accepted by most States across the nation. Thank you, Mr. Lazarus!
We’ll close today with a poem, author unknown, written in 1919 to celebrate the installation of central Ohio’s first escalator, installed – where else – in that bastion of innovation, Lazarus:
What's the crowd a pushin' and a shovin' over there?
Land! It's folks a ridin' up the escalator stair!
Ma's brought all the family in to take a little ride,
Cause they're simply goin' dippy
Bout that Escalator Glide!
2 comments:
I gotta see a picture of you during your tall, prepubescent, womanly phase!
I miss those heady Lazarus days. Christmas was the best. A special treat for me was to ride the bus downtown on Saturday with Grandmother Rubble when she went to the Union (the more upscale department store across the street from Lazarus) to get her hair and nails done. I would sit with her while she got her permanent and while her hair was in the rollers, the nail tech would come and paint her nails glossy red. Then we would go have lunch in the Union's restaurant. I remember ordering buttermilk with my grilled cheese sandwich once because I thought it would make me look sophisticated. I almost threw up on the table. Somehow, grabbing a hot dog at Wal-Mart could never be the same.
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