That day, my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley PTA

Okay, I KNOW I should be letting this election business go, but something in me has taken over – probably the insinuation (maybe imagined?) that because I’m gay and Democrat and live in a blue state that I’m not moral and don’t have values. Hmmmph.

So…Keith Olberman on MSNBC is slowly-but-surely investigating some voting irregularities in Ohio and Florida, especially in Warren County, Ohio, where officials “locked down” the administration building to prevent anyone from observing the vote count.

The county’s Emergency Services Director, Frank Young, said that he had been advised by the Feds to implement “safety measures”, thus the lock-down. Young claimed that every county had received the advisement (yet Warren was the only Ohio County to not allow its count to be observed).

Warren County, as it happens, was briefly the home of Little Sister Bamm-Bamm, and let me assure you that this chain of events is either the result of arrogant stupidity, or pure evil, and the discovery of either would not surprise me in the least.

Warren’s county seat is historic Lebanon, which you’ll know better as the filming location of the smash theatrical hits, Harper Valley P.T.A. and Wildcats. Every sweet shop and corner store in town has, to this day, a framed photo inside the front door proving that Barbara Eden and Woody Harrelson were there.

But much like Peyton Place, Lebanon harbors dark secrets. LSBB’s ex-in-laws, including her ex-husband, all live in a creepy collection of adjoining properties, and think nothing of barging in on each other’s privacy whenever they please. Ex-Mother-in-Law was particularly egregious on this count, and would often wake poor tired LSBB at an early hour in order that they could go to “Lowls” (Lowes), because all the men in the family “work so hard that we women have to do craffs” (crafts). Crafts, apparently, involve such creative ideas as yanking live ivy, bugs and all, off the chimney for use on the indoor banquet tables at the wedding reception.

Mother-in-Law also exhibits enlightened ideas on homosexuality (“Whatta they do, just lay in bed and shake each other’s things?”); Art and music (“Your brother sings real good, it’s too bad he’s goin’ ta hell”); and fine cuisine (“Have you eat yet?”)

Her children are either simpletons, or evil, or most likely, evil simpletons. Ex-husband, an attorney, is forever attending “political meetings” late at night, and has been caught red-handed in shenanigans such as fiddling with official court documents relating to he and LSBB’s divorce and not living up to arrangements that he agreed to.

His grandfather, whom every other male in the family is named after, was about a hundred and twelve years old when I saw him for the first and only time, and wore a JET BLACK toupee. And thought no one knew (do they ever?).

Anyway, it’s a place where liberal outsiders are NOT welcome, which is why LSBB got out, and anything that lends credence to my irrational hunch that they are evil and not to be trusted is welcome news, indeed.

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Two money quotes from a New York Times piece by Gary Hart, because I refuse to let evangelicals continue to claim Christianity as theirs alone:

Liberals are not against religion. They are against hypocrisy, exclusion andjudgmentalism. They resist the notion that one side or the other possesses "the truth" to the exclusion of others.

If faith now drives our politics, at the very least let's make it a faith of inclusion, genuine compassion, humility, justice and accountability.

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And finally, because I have nothing else today, a Sinclair Lewis quote that a friend/mentor/Canadian was all fired up about last night:

When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross.