There, I said it, and I don't care who knows it.
Hollywood Reporter is....well, reporting that Adam Sandler, in his never-ending crusade to latch onto the latest movie-making trends and taint them with his "talent" forever, will soon start filming "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry", wherein he and Kevin James play firefighters who pretend to be a gay couple in order to receive domestic partner benefits.
Look, Sandler, we're happy with the whole "Hollywood loves the gays" thing, when it actually produces something positive and enlightening, but YOUR moron help we DON'T need.
Startling Predictions: the poster is going to have big, block letters in fire engine red, a dalmation is going to be the ringbearer, with the ring on a pillow in its mouth (this will also be on the poster), and Kevin James at some point will do an embarrassing dance lifted straight from the choreography of the fat guys who dance at football games. Eugene Levy will cash a paycheck to play either Sandler's distraught father or a bumbling fire chief who gets involved by futily trying to get them thrown off the job. The dog will bite him in the nuts and/or he will be saved by the titular characters in the least threatening onscreen fire ever. Many firehose jokes are sure to be included and some ex-Maxim model "actress" will play the girl whose very existence threatens to out ('unout'?) them.
It will gross a billion dollars domestically and set gay rights back to pre-Stonewall levels, and spawn a sequel starring Queen Latifah.
Mark my words.
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Other predictions for the plot:
The two of them will already be flatting together when they hatch their scheme. Their disgusting bachelor digs (with at least three pizza boxes visible in the living room) will be made-over fussily to make them appear gay.
Sandler and James will go to a gay club to learn how 'gays' act. It will be a leather club and they will have to dress in outrageous gear, James wearing butt-less leather chaps.
A truly gay man will develop a crush on James.
Another firefighter will come out of the closet during the course of the movie - this may or may not be the same man as the one who develops the crush on James.
There will be a scene where Sandler and James have to be openly affectionate, nuzzle and hug. But at NO TIME in the movie will they kiss - they will come close but something will interupt them having to kiss at the last possible second.
There will be a scene where they stand up against homphobia.
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