Commandments, shmammandments

So the Supreme Court continues hearing oral arguments today about the constitutionality of displaying the Ten Commandments on government property. Opponents to the displays argue that it’s a blatant governmental sponsorship of a particular religion, which violates the First Amendment.

Those in favor of such displays countered yesterday that, in fact, the Ten Commandments are not even religious. Who knew?

Well, since the Ten Commandments ARE, apparently, the basis of our laws, I suppose, we ought to, you know, actually enforce them. At least one or two. Let’s run down the list, shall we?

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Should be easy to enforce, once we decide once and for all who the “me” is that’s speaking, and then deport all the Hindus, Sikhs, Wiccans, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists, Humanists, and I would imagine most Catholics, Jews, and progressive Protestants. Oh, and we’ll also have to repeal that pesky First Amendment.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. Let’s see, no smiling Jesus on velvet paintings. Oh, and no naturalistic painting or sculpture. Or photography. Oh, and, effective immediately, descendents of criminals are responsible for the crimes of their ancestors, to the fourth generation.

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. Well, in the original meaning, it dealt with using God’s name in a contract. Like, you know, when you swear on the Bible in court or, say, at your inauguration as President of the United States.

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. Guess we’ll have to stop selling liquor on Sundays, huh? Except, of course, that the Sabbath is Saturday, meaning that this commandment is broken by nearly every facet of society, including EVERY CHRISTIAN DENOMINATION IN AMERICA. Whoops! Oh, and technically, you’re really not supposed to do anything but rest on the Sabbath, including anything fun and relaxing. Just a slight technicality.

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. We’ll save a bundle of tax dollars when we eliminate Child Protective Services, since children in abusive homes will have no option to get out. And we can probably do away with Medicaid and Social Security altogether, since elderly parents will be living with their children until they die.

Thou shalt not kill. Don’t panic, Republicans! According to the letter of the law, the following persons may still be killed:

· Persons found guilty of temple prostitution
· engaged women who are seduced by a man other than her future husband
· women who practice black magic
· women who are raped in urban areas
· children who curse their parents
· some non-virgin brides
· Jews who collect firewood on Saturday to keep their families from freezing
· persons proselytizing in favor of another religion
· persons worshiping a deity other than Yahweh
· strangers who enter the temple

I suppose this list can conceivably apply to Iraqis and Iranians, so we’re okay there, but it looks like the death penalty will have to go.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Again, fellas, not to worry! This refers ONLY to a man engaging in sexual intercourse with a woman who is betrothed or married to another man. So I suggest you choose virgins for your extramarital affairs. Oh, and – masturbation’s out. Sorry, gents. Ladies, you can do whatever you please, since under the new laws you will be property and inconsequential. Sorry about that. On the plus side, since we’re limiting things to just these 10 commandments, gay sex is A-OK!

Thou shalt not steal. I, ummm….er……okay, you got me. This one is already illegal.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. I guess television and movies will already be illegal with the graven images thing, and this ought to do away with conservative talk radio…I smell a renaissance of live theatre!

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. So long, Capitalism, been nice knowing ya!

I suggest a compromise on the issue that's sure to please everyone - round-the-clock screenings of The Ten Commandments at all government facilities. Yul Brynner's manly scowl, the way Anne Baxter sort of pouts every time she purrs "Oh....Mooooses", an appearance by my dear aquantiance, Riselle Bain....and HESTON RULES, BABY!