Every time....

....I see the name "Malachy", I think of the movie "Children of the Corn", which for some reason was my favorite movie for, oh, about three teenage years.

I'm sure it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with Peter Horton spending half the movie with his shirt off.

Anyway, I set out to refute the kooky prognostications of St. Malachy, and promised to do it “tomorrow”, which was about a week ago. So sue me. I’ve been ever so busy trying to “gather research” (also known as mindlessly surfing the internet) and, the simple fact is, EVERYONE BELIEVES IT. So I’m just going to have to do it myself. What else should I expect from a nation that thinks an oil stain on a freeway underpass is the Virgin Mary?

To recap: St. Malachy (1094-1148) was an Irish Benedictine bishop who is said to have predicted, by means of brief phrases for each one, a characteristic feature of the reign of every Roman Catholic pope, from the beginning of the papacy to the very end. A total of 112 popes were listed in a book published by Benedictine friar Arnold de Wyon in the year 1590.
The authenticity of the book has been doubted since the 17th century and, in fact, it is now widely assumed that the “prophecies” were written by Wyon himself. There are no mentions of Malachy's Prophecies prior to 1590 in any official or unofficial Church record, and none of Malachy's contemporaries (including Bernard of Clairvaux, who wrote Malachy's biography and was his close friend) reference the document, and as the Benedictines at the time of Arnold de Wyon's "discovery" were fighting for their survival (many of their monasteries had been sacked and their members killed during the wars of the Protestant Reformation) and a document that showed the Benedictines in a good light would have been a godsend to the embattled order, and as the manuscript has itself disappeared and only notes about its contents survive, most contemporary, responsible, reputable scholars believe the thing to be a fake from beginning to end. Including me.

The descriptive phrases of popes BEFORE Wion’s time are quite accurate, while those coming after require a good deal of stretching to make them fit. For instance, the phrase attributed to the late John Paul II was "De Labore Solis" (Of the Solar Eclipse, or From the Toil of the Sun). Most scholars of prophecy seem to think this fits because of the “fact” that John Paul II was born during a solar eclipse.

A partial solar eclipse.

Visible only in Australia (he was born in Poland. Very far from Australia.)

Pope Benedict XVI is Pope # 111 in Malachy’s list, “The Glory of the Olive”. His choice of the name Benedict seems to instantly fulfill the prophecy, Saint Benedict purportedly prophesied that before the end of the world his Order, known also as the Olivetans, will triumphantly lead the Catholic Church in its final fight against evil.

Except, well, that’s fudging things a little bit, because the Olivetans are a particular sect of the Benedictines. All Olivetans are Benedictines, but not all Benedictines are Olivetans. Plus, the Pope isn’t a Benedictine.

So, to be completely sure that Pope Benedict XVI IS the fulfillment of prophecy, we better look for something a little less tenuous. Maybe he likes martinis? (Trust me, I’ve known some Catholics in my day, and they can put the hooch away!)

There is also every reason to believe that the Vatican is not only well aware of Malachy’s prophecy, but actively trying to make it look as though each new Pope is fulfilling it.

Like the fact that a Papal portrait gallery in the Vatican only has two more empty spaces in it; one for Benedict, and one for his successor, which would bring us to the end of Malachy’s list and, presumably, to the end of the world.

Like the fact that the American Cardinal Spellman was so eager to become Pope that when Piux XII was near death and the next Pope, according to Malachy, was to be "pastor et nauta" (shepherd and navigator), he hired an Italian sailor to take him on a cruise down the Tiber River with a flock of sheep on board. It didn't take; the next Pope was Angelo Roncalli, who took the name John XXIII. He had served for a time in Venice, a city of many waterways where EVERYONE’S a sailor, and after his election, he promised to be a "good shepherd" to his flock.

Um, yeah, well…that’s kind of the Pope’s JOB, isn’t it?

So, that’s my take. If there’s one thing Carl Sagan taught me, it’s that specious reasoning is for sissies!

Now, at the risk of offending all my Catholic pals, I’m afraid I’ve raised a quizzical eyebrow or two at some of the pronouncements of this new Pope of theirs. Like that all Protestant denominations are “sects”, and the sex-abuse scandal was just “a secular attack on the Church”, and the like.

But THIS takes the cake.

He says Harry potter books "undermine the soul of Christianity".

No word yet whether priests molesting children has the same effect.

Speaking of religion, I had to sing last Saturday at the installation of the new Dean of the National Cathedral, Samuel Lloyd. Nothing TOO interesting, except that Sandra Day O’Connor was there, and she looks EXACTLY like Grandma Walton. I’m not kidding.

But then, the next day, the Dean’s pal George Regas sermonized, and said all manner of shocking things, like he didn’t think Christ was the ONLY way to God, and how we should work in concert with other religions for social justice, and all sorts of hate-filled ideas like that. A quick Google search showed me all sorts of reasons to like Dr. Regas, like this and this , and so I dropped him an email of appreciation, and he wrote back the very same day! I’m a reg’lar ambassador of good will!

Money quote: “God, for me, is defined by Christ, but not confined by Christ”

Preach on, brother.

Also last weekend, Jet and I officially became Americans. That is, we used the extra money from refinancing our mortgage to buy things we didn’t really need, like a front-loading washer and a surround sound system. Let me tell you, I’m sure I don’t know how I survived without either one for so long. Isn’t capitalism great?

So great, in fact, that some people are desperately filling the internet with lies to get here. Case in Point: “Yulia”, a sweet young Russian gal who’s been corresponding with LSBB’s friend “RJ”. How he got involved I’m still not sure of, but this girl is working him but good.

I mean, how is a poor defenseless straight man supposed to react when receiving in his inbox the following:

By the way I like oral and normal (usual) sex. I DISLIKE sexual orgies and group sex. But I like to try something new in sex relations and I like some experiments.

Errrr…..nice to meet you, too! Oh, she also dislikes anal sex and gay people, in case you were wondering.

Of course, after enticing him with carnal thoughts, she drops the bomb:

Yesterday before I gone to sleep I thought about us so much and I understood that I falling in love to you. With every day you take more and more space in my head. And I think about you constantly. I had a dream and in my dream I saw you RJ! All the night you was in front of my eyes. When I got up I thought about it and I believe it's not bychance. I want to tell you that I really sense the feeling to you. And I want to let you know that we need to meet each other.Don't you think so? Our meeting will be great thing in our lifes. Do you agree with me? I have insuperable wish to meet you in person. I believe it can be possible! This is real thing! I think if we will want it we need to have meeting. I believe our meeting will help to know usbetter and more closer! I'm sure that I would like to meet you RJ. I feel that you have become more closer to me. I tell you all about my life and I will tell more if you will ask. I feel that you have become more than just a friend to me and I want to tellyou three words of love. But you must know I want to tell you it now! I had a dream about our meeting! I really want to know you, speak to you, take your hand and see your eyes. Maybe it's very frankly now but it's true and I don't want to hide it. I always say the true and don't like when people lie. I hate it!

Of course, love does come at a price…

I have the good news for you! Yesterday I make the application for a cominginto your country and I will get the visa for it soon! I went in the organization which makes the documents for a coming through embassy. I hope I will get the documents permitting to come! Today I will give them the medical informations and other types of papers for registration of visa. All necessary documents will cost about 314 dollars for me.

And then…

I want to ask you my RJ: CAN YOU FIND OUT INFORMATION ABOUT COST OF FLIGHTTICKET YOU? FROM MOSCOW TO NEAREST INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT TO YOU. I ask you because I really need in this information.

LSBB thinks she’s a poor heartsick girl who desperately wants a way out of her Siberian hovel, but I’ve got money on the table that within three days she asks him to pony up the 314 dollars, or perhaps tests his mettle first by asking him to send a sewing machine to her mother or something. The suspense, I can’t stand it!