Every time....

....I see the name "Malachy", I think of the movie "Children of the Corn", which for some reason was my favorite movie for, oh, about three teenage years.

I'm sure it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with Peter Horton spending half the movie with his shirt off.

Anyway, I set out to refute the kooky prognostications of St. Malachy, and promised to do it “tomorrow”, which was about a week ago. So sue me. I’ve been ever so busy trying to “gather research” (also known as mindlessly surfing the internet) and, the simple fact is, EVERYONE BELIEVES IT. So I’m just going to have to do it myself. What else should I expect from a nation that thinks an oil stain on a freeway underpass is the Virgin Mary?

To recap: St. Malachy (1094-1148) was an Irish Benedictine bishop who is said to have predicted, by means of brief phrases for each one, a characteristic feature of the reign of every Roman Catholic pope, from the beginning of the papacy to the very end. A total of 112 popes were listed in a book published by Benedictine friar Arnold de Wyon in the year 1590.
The authenticity of the book has been doubted since the 17th century and, in fact, it is now widely assumed that the “prophecies” were written by Wyon himself. There are no mentions of Malachy's Prophecies prior to 1590 in any official or unofficial Church record, and none of Malachy's contemporaries (including Bernard of Clairvaux, who wrote Malachy's biography and was his close friend) reference the document, and as the Benedictines at the time of Arnold de Wyon's "discovery" were fighting for their survival (many of their monasteries had been sacked and their members killed during the wars of the Protestant Reformation) and a document that showed the Benedictines in a good light would have been a godsend to the embattled order, and as the manuscript has itself disappeared and only notes about its contents survive, most contemporary, responsible, reputable scholars believe the thing to be a fake from beginning to end. Including me.

The descriptive phrases of popes BEFORE Wion’s time are quite accurate, while those coming after require a good deal of stretching to make them fit. For instance, the phrase attributed to the late John Paul II was "De Labore Solis" (Of the Solar Eclipse, or From the Toil of the Sun). Most scholars of prophecy seem to think this fits because of the “fact” that John Paul II was born during a solar eclipse.

A partial solar eclipse.

Visible only in Australia (he was born in Poland. Very far from Australia.)

Pope Benedict XVI is Pope # 111 in Malachy’s list, “The Glory of the Olive”. His choice of the name Benedict seems to instantly fulfill the prophecy, Saint Benedict purportedly prophesied that before the end of the world his Order, known also as the Olivetans, will triumphantly lead the Catholic Church in its final fight against evil.

Except, well, that’s fudging things a little bit, because the Olivetans are a particular sect of the Benedictines. All Olivetans are Benedictines, but not all Benedictines are Olivetans. Plus, the Pope isn’t a Benedictine.

So, to be completely sure that Pope Benedict XVI IS the fulfillment of prophecy, we better look for something a little less tenuous. Maybe he likes martinis? (Trust me, I’ve known some Catholics in my day, and they can put the hooch away!)

There is also every reason to believe that the Vatican is not only well aware of Malachy’s prophecy, but actively trying to make it look as though each new Pope is fulfilling it.

Like the fact that a Papal portrait gallery in the Vatican only has two more empty spaces in it; one for Benedict, and one for his successor, which would bring us to the end of Malachy’s list and, presumably, to the end of the world.

Like the fact that the American Cardinal Spellman was so eager to become Pope that when Piux XII was near death and the next Pope, according to Malachy, was to be "pastor et nauta" (shepherd and navigator), he hired an Italian sailor to take him on a cruise down the Tiber River with a flock of sheep on board. It didn't take; the next Pope was Angelo Roncalli, who took the name John XXIII. He had served for a time in Venice, a city of many waterways where EVERYONE’S a sailor, and after his election, he promised to be a "good shepherd" to his flock.

Um, yeah, well…that’s kind of the Pope’s JOB, isn’t it?

So, that’s my take. If there’s one thing Carl Sagan taught me, it’s that specious reasoning is for sissies!

Now, at the risk of offending all my Catholic pals, I’m afraid I’ve raised a quizzical eyebrow or two at some of the pronouncements of this new Pope of theirs. Like that all Protestant denominations are “sects”, and the sex-abuse scandal was just “a secular attack on the Church”, and the like.

But THIS takes the cake.

He says Harry potter books "undermine the soul of Christianity".

No word yet whether priests molesting children has the same effect.

Speaking of religion, I had to sing last Saturday at the installation of the new Dean of the National Cathedral, Samuel Lloyd. Nothing TOO interesting, except that Sandra Day O’Connor was there, and she looks EXACTLY like Grandma Walton. I’m not kidding.

But then, the next day, the Dean’s pal George Regas sermonized, and said all manner of shocking things, like he didn’t think Christ was the ONLY way to God, and how we should work in concert with other religions for social justice, and all sorts of hate-filled ideas like that. A quick Google search showed me all sorts of reasons to like Dr. Regas, like this and this , and so I dropped him an email of appreciation, and he wrote back the very same day! I’m a reg’lar ambassador of good will!

Money quote: “God, for me, is defined by Christ, but not confined by Christ”

Preach on, brother.

Also last weekend, Jet and I officially became Americans. That is, we used the extra money from refinancing our mortgage to buy things we didn’t really need, like a front-loading washer and a surround sound system. Let me tell you, I’m sure I don’t know how I survived without either one for so long. Isn’t capitalism great?

So great, in fact, that some people are desperately filling the internet with lies to get here. Case in Point: “Yulia”, a sweet young Russian gal who’s been corresponding with LSBB’s friend “RJ”. How he got involved I’m still not sure of, but this girl is working him but good.

I mean, how is a poor defenseless straight man supposed to react when receiving in his inbox the following:

By the way I like oral and normal (usual) sex. I DISLIKE sexual orgies and group sex. But I like to try something new in sex relations and I like some experiments.

Errrr…..nice to meet you, too! Oh, she also dislikes anal sex and gay people, in case you were wondering.

Of course, after enticing him with carnal thoughts, she drops the bomb:

Yesterday before I gone to sleep I thought about us so much and I understood that I falling in love to you. With every day you take more and more space in my head. And I think about you constantly. I had a dream and in my dream I saw you RJ! All the night you was in front of my eyes. When I got up I thought about it and I believe it's not bychance. I want to tell you that I really sense the feeling to you. And I want to let you know that we need to meet each other.Don't you think so? Our meeting will be great thing in our lifes. Do you agree with me? I have insuperable wish to meet you in person. I believe it can be possible! This is real thing! I think if we will want it we need to have meeting. I believe our meeting will help to know usbetter and more closer! I'm sure that I would like to meet you RJ. I feel that you have become more closer to me. I tell you all about my life and I will tell more if you will ask. I feel that you have become more than just a friend to me and I want to tellyou three words of love. But you must know I want to tell you it now! I had a dream about our meeting! I really want to know you, speak to you, take your hand and see your eyes. Maybe it's very frankly now but it's true and I don't want to hide it. I always say the true and don't like when people lie. I hate it!

Of course, love does come at a price…

I have the good news for you! Yesterday I make the application for a cominginto your country and I will get the visa for it soon! I went in the organization which makes the documents for a coming through embassy. I hope I will get the documents permitting to come! Today I will give them the medical informations and other types of papers for registration of visa. All necessary documents will cost about 314 dollars for me.

And then…

I want to ask you my RJ: CAN YOU FIND OUT INFORMATION ABOUT COST OF FLIGHTTICKET YOU? FROM MOSCOW TO NEAREST INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT TO YOU. I ask you because I really need in this information.

LSBB thinks she’s a poor heartsick girl who desperately wants a way out of her Siberian hovel, but I’ve got money on the table that within three days she asks him to pony up the 314 dollars, or perhaps tests his mettle first by asking him to send a sewing machine to her mother or something. The suspense, I can’t stand it!

Well, THAT didn't take long

Cardinal Ratzinger will be Pope Benedict XVI (despite the breathless commentary from a CNN commentator that they had just announced “Pope Decimi Sextus”. Idiot.)

So, we’ll see how it goes. He’s 78, I guess he won’t have much time to do much harm, despite the fact that he once called homosexuality a tendency toward "intrinsic moral evil" and dismissed the uproar over priestly pedophilia in the United States as a "planned campaign" against the church.

Just for kicks, let’s review the prophecy of St. Malachi that I discussed in my previous post, shall we? Malachi’s sobriquets for the last few Popes read as follows:

· Paul VI. The words of the 108th prophecy are "Flos Florum" (Flower of Flowers). The 108th pope after Innocent II was Paul VI (1963-78). His coat of arms included three fleurs-de-lis (iris blossoms).

· John Paul I. The 109th is "De Medietate Lunae" (Of the Half Moon). The corresponding pope was John Paul I (1978-78), who was born in the diocese of Belluno (beautiful moon) and was baptized Albino Luciani (white light). He became pope on August 26, 1978, when the moon appeared exactly half full. It was in its waning phase. He died the following month, soon after an eclipse of the moon.

· John Paul II. The 110th is "De Labore Solis" (Of the Solar Eclipse, or From the Toil of the Sun). The corresponding pope was John Paul II (1978-2005). John Paul II was born on May 8, 1920 during an eclipse of the sun. Like the sun, he came out of the East (Poland). Like the sun, he visited countries all around the globe.

The 111th prophecy is "Gloria Olivae" (The Glory of the Olive). The meaning of the olive is unclear. The Order of Saint Benedict – not St. Malachy – has claimed that this pope will come from its ranks and Saint Benedict himself prophesied that before the end of the world his Order, known also as the Olivetans, will triumphantly lead the Catholic Church in its final fight against evil.

So…Pope Benedict. Does he know something we don't?

The 112th prophecy says, "In the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church there will reign Petrus Romanus (Peter the Roman), who will feed his flock amid many tribulations; after which the seven-hilled city will be destroyed and the dreadful Judge will judge the people.
Trouble is, Petrus Romanus may not actually be St. Malachi’s work, but a much later addition. Meaning Benedict is it, kids.

Jesus is coming, look busy!

Except....it might all be hooey. Skeptic's counterpoint coming tomorrow!

Who is Matt Lattimore?

And why is he popping up on my computer screen about A BILLION TIMES A DAY, telling me to buy a Titanium Turbo razor? I don’t WANT a Titanium Turbo razor, especially not if it’s recommended by someone whose claim to fame is starring in something with “Sasquatch" in the title.

So the Pope is dead, I suppose you’ve heard. And now they’re trying to pick a new one. I wouldn’t be in such a hurry if I were them, seeing as how St. Malachi prophesied back in the day that there would only be two more popes before the end of the world. Seems to me they’d want to stretch it out a little bit.

Plus, all the candidates that are in the running seem to be on their last legs. Correlate this with the Mayan prophecy that the world will end December 21, 2012, by which time we could have easily gone through two more papal geezers, and it seems they’d maybe want to consider finding a precocious child pope or two. Like they do with the Dalai Lama.

High-school-dropout-turned-prophet John Hogue has his own cheery ideas about the future of the papacy and the coming global conflagration. Enjoy!

Not that I mean to sound flip. Mother Rubble made sure we grew up with a healthy respect for our Catholic neighbors and their Holy See, and although we were not Catholic ourselves, we DID have a souvenir mug collection with pictures of Pope Pius, or John, or somebody. Or maybe it was Santa Claus, I was never sure.

Oh, and if you’re still interested, click here to read about some of the nastier Popes in history.

And if you’re still interested after that, click here to get your very own Jesus doll. With Kung-Fu grip!

Not only that, but a little research revealed that one can acquire a doll of almost ANY hitorical or popular personage, including Twiggy, Snoop Doggy Dog, Andy Warhol, and….um, well, I guess it’s Christopher Walken.

Jet and I are so tired we can hardly see straight. On top of doing an opera down at the college, we spent a harried three weeks preparing a cabaret show of French pop music, which we then performed with our musical director, Patrick Fitzjames, down at the Atlas Theater in Northeast DC, at the corner of Slash Avenue and Grab Street. Of course it ended up being the smash sensation of the age – at least for the twenty-five people that attended – and instantly launched us into the upper echelons of the local cabaret scene. The only one who didn’t like it was the uppity “producer”, who was, apparently, in charge although he had been out of town until the actual day of the performance. He informed Jet that we had “the basis for a good show”. Well, he’s just jealous. Hmmph.

So the week before the French show, I was having nosebleeds every day, and in fact had one the very DAY of the show, and bled all over my new lavender shirt bought especially for said show, and had to change to my gold shirt, also bought especially for said show, because I couldn’t decide between them. So the next day I went to my doctor, Dr. Prissy Hindu, who likes to offer his opinion without actually examining you, who poo-pooed my idea of the nosebleeds being caused by Rinocort spray, and insisted it was my blood pressure, and gave me blood pressure medicine which makes me tired and my stomach hurt. Even though my blood pressure is ALWAYS 130 over 70, except for that ONE day when I was at the doctor, nervous because my nose was bleeding all over my new shirts. And that’s what leads me to now, sitting here exhausted and with a sore stomach.

At least, I THINK it’s the blood pressure medicine making me tired, even though I sleep and sleep. Being a hypochondriac, it could also be mono, bird flu, or lyme disease. Or, perhaps I’ve inherited Mother Rubble’s genetic disease of being “born tired”.

Along with new shirts-especially-for-shows, Jet and I bought new tuxedos for our active performing careers, and shoes and things. Well, actually Jet bought shoes. I took a pair of shoes up to the counter, as they were the most comfortable shoes EVER, as if magic elves had come in my sleep and made them JUST for me, and the shopgirl informed me that they were actually NOT the shoes that belonged in the box, but in fact that it appeared someone had come in, put on the pair of new shoes, and left their old, used shoes behind in the box. I almost bought them anyway, but they wouldn’t let me. Sigh. Which convinces me that there are no shoes in the whole world for me that don’t look like they should be worn by old arthritic lesbians.

So, that’s all for now. Oh, except for this. Ta ta!