Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Why didn't I think of that?
Real life Super-Heroes.
In Indianapolis.
And I'm not even kidding.
Still waiting for the morning I wake up with superpowers, myself.
In Indianapolis.
And I'm not even kidding.
Still waiting for the morning I wake up with superpowers, myself.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Crisis on Infinite Earths (and I'm not feeling so hot myself)
An offhanded reference to “poor Superboy” in an email, and I’m barraged by questions about what it meant, by people who didn’t understand the significance of my grief. Well, here we go. You asked for it.
As you may or may not know, I have been a lifelong devotee of DC Comics, a respected and powerful comics publisher since 1935 (you’ve surely heard of a few of their characters: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al). I never cared much for DC’s Johnny-come-lately competition, Marvel – call me naïve if you must, but as an eight year old child, I was always a bit more taken with Superman juggling the moon than with Spider-Man worrying about how he was going to pay his rent.
(Besides, Spider-Man is a fucking idiot. If you don’t believe me, pick a random week and read his eponymous newspaper strip, where you’re likely to find him, say, flying to Los Angeles but forgetting that he has his Spider-Man costume IN HIS CARRY-ON.)
Anyway, DC comics started the super-hero craze in 1938, with the publication of Action Comics #1, and the debut of Superman.
Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Hawkman, Green Lantern, and a slew of other costumed vigilantes followed in his wake, and lasted through about 1951, when the Golden Age of the superhero died out to be replaced by cowboys, giant gorillas, and sometimes, cowboys fighting giant gorillas.
So, super-heroes died down for a while, but then in 1956 DC decided to try and refurbish a few of their bigger second bananas from the 30’s and 40’s. Beginning with The Flash, and followed in quick succession by Green Lantern, the Atom, and Hawkman, they soon repopulated their fictional universe with heroes who shared the code-names of their Golden Age counterparts, but little else.
The problem, of course, was that the big guns, and a couple of small guns – Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, and my boy Aquaman – had NOT ceased publication for those few years. So, while you had a Flash with a different identity than that of the 1940’s Flash, you had a Superman who was STILL Clark Kent, a Batman who was STILL Bruce Waye, etc…who had interacted with the 1940’s characters and were now interacting with the new characters as well.
DC’s solution was to create a multiverse, and if you’re unfamiliar with quantum physics I’ll summarize: theoretically, an infinite number of universes could exists within the same space, but each universe would have its own unique vibrational rate, so the different universes couldn’t interact – unless, of course, you live in a comic book, in which case interacting with a parallel universe is as easy as flipping on a light switch.
The fun began with a meeting of the Flash with his 1940’s counterpart, which established the existence of Earth-1 (the “modern” Earth, where super-heroes had arisen fairly recently) and Earth-2 (the “Golden Age” Earth, where the heroes had arisen in World War II and were now nearing retirement).
Quick on the heels of that story came the first meeting between the Justice League of America (Earth-1) and the Justice Society of America (Earth-2), where it was established that while some heroes had counterparts that were clearly different people (Flash, Green Lantern), other heroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman) had counterparts who were nearly identical, except for the age difference. This led to several intriguing-but-barely-investigated story possibilities – for instance, the Earth-2 Batman retired, married Catwoman, and had a daughter who became a super-hero herself.
Internal consistency problem solved? No, for the parallel Earths conceit soon got out of hand. Earth – 3 was introduced, a world with no super-heroes, only super-villains. Earth-S was introduced to house Captain Marvel and company (you may know his better by his magic word, “Shazam”), characters acquired from the defunct Fawcett comics. Another set of acquisitions from Quality Comics (Plastic Man and friends) led to the creation of Earth-X, a world where the Nazis had won World War II. And so on.
For their fiftieth anniversary in 1985, the powers-that-be at DC comics decided that they were going to “clean house”, and did so with the 12-issue limited series Crisis on Infinite Earths (the title being an homage to what were then annual meetings between the Justice League and the Justice Society, which always had “Crisis” in the title).
The story, in short: A galactic villain, the Anti-Monitor, decides that all universes composed of positive matter (in other words, all universes) need to be destroyed, and so he sets about doing just that. A lot of hullabaloo ensues, involving every character that DC had ever published, and in the end all the superheroes travel back to the beginning of time and change history, so that instead of a multiple universes being created, only ONE universe was.
The resulting single Earth, in the present, is an amalgamation of the previously-parallel Earths, supposedly preserving the “best” of all realities: The Justice Society did fight during World War II, but without Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, who according to the new history had not debuted until the modern era.
The Anti-Monitor is finally destroyed by the last remaining “stragglers” from the multiverse, who didn’t fit in the new history: The Golden-Age Superman from Earth 2; Alexander Luthor (son of Earth-3’s Lex Luthor, that world’s first and only super-hero); and the Superboy of Earth Prime (Earth Prime being, supposedly, “our” Earth). Once the Anti-Monitor is disposed of, Alexander Luthor takes the stragglers (along with the Golden Age Lois Lane) off into some sort of ambiguous “paradise”, presumably never to be seen again.
Still with me? Because now is where the fun really begins. Everyone at DC comics circa 1985 apparently had their heads up their asses, or was on drugs, or something, because no one apparently thought ahead to how such a radical change of fictional history would affect the fictional universe as it moved forward. Their first editorial mandate was that all the super-heroes WOULD remember the pre-Crisis multiverse - but a few months later it was decided to revamp Superman, giving him a completely different origin and toned-down powers, and making him the only living survivor of the planet Krypton – which meant that he could not remember having once been MORE powerful, nor could he remember his cousin Supergirl, who had died with great fanfare during the Crisis itself. So, all of a sudden, NO ONE remembered their pre-Crisis life.
Which meant that for all intents and purposes, no story published in the previous fifty years had really "happened".
While the revamp of Superman still had him debuting “several years ago”, the revamp of Wonder Woman had her debuting concurrently with the present – meaning that she now debuted after her own teen sidekick, Wonder Girl.
Batman inexplicably became a psychopathic asshole, who despite hating everyone and everything, was still unwilling to put a bullet through the head of the mass-murdering Joker, who crippled Batgirl and murdered Robin.
Hawkman, who was shown in several post-crisis stories as the same lovable galoot with a mace that he had always been, all of a sudden was also shown to be debuting in the present…which meant that he was not only invalidating all his pre-crisis appearances, but several post-crisis ones as well.
Essentially, the advice to creators seemed to be that they could do whatever the hell they wanted, without worrying about how to explain it.
(For the record, I will here state that the concept of parallel Earths never gave me one iota of confusion, even as a young child – as evidenced by the fact that I have written up to this point without needing to surf the internet for reference).
Now, twenty years later, and with a whole slew of continuity nightmares on their hands, DC has decided to revisit the whole mess with Infinite Crisis, a 7-issue “sequel” (currently on issue 4). The whole DC line has apparently been gearing up for this for quite a while, with lots of intentional continuity screw-ups which will apparently be explained, and lots of bloody super-hero deaths, and an apparent avoidance of any post-crisis editorial lapses (in March, the entire line-up – every title DC publishes – will “jump ahead” one year, so that creators can have a fresh start without screwing things up).
Infinite Crisis, so far, has revealed that the Earth-2 Superman, Lois Lane, Alexander Luthor, and Earth Prime Superboy have been not in paradise, but someplace where they could observe the amalgamated Earth, and boy are they pissed! Most especially Superman, who feels that the modern heroes have strayed from the classic ideal and really made a mess of things. His plan is to somehow “re-do” the crisis, so that instead of Earth-1 being the template for the amalgamated Earth, it will be Earth-2.
Unfortunately for Supes, Alexander Luthor has some sort of other plan which has yet to be fully revealed, and he’s duped Superboy into being his patsy. In issue 4, for example, Superboy-Prime is sent out to talk to the current Superboy (who is not Superman as a boy, but rather a clone created while Superman was dead – still with me?) and ends up accidentally killing about ten people, by knocking their heads off, ripping off their arms, that sort of thing.
Whoopsie!
At the end of issue 4, Alexander Luthor succeeds in splitting the amalgamated Earth back into Earth-1 and Earth-2, though as I hinted earlier, that doesn’t seem to be the complete goal of his machinations (though Golden Age Superman thinks it is).
So, we’ll see. I can’t see how they could possibly put the genie back in the bottle at this point, because they’ve had a whole bunch of characters start remembering their pre-Crisis lives, and now there appear to be two Earths again, which I can’t imagine being an editorial goal, but the only way out of it is to do a universe-wide memory wipe again, which would sort of be a cop-out.
Oh, yeah, and poor Superboy.
As you may or may not know, I have been a lifelong devotee of DC Comics, a respected and powerful comics publisher since 1935 (you’ve surely heard of a few of their characters: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al). I never cared much for DC’s Johnny-come-lately competition, Marvel – call me naïve if you must, but as an eight year old child, I was always a bit more taken with Superman juggling the moon than with Spider-Man worrying about how he was going to pay his rent.
(Besides, Spider-Man is a fucking idiot. If you don’t believe me, pick a random week and read his eponymous newspaper strip, where you’re likely to find him, say, flying to Los Angeles but forgetting that he has his Spider-Man costume IN HIS CARRY-ON.)
Anyway, DC comics started the super-hero craze in 1938, with the publication of Action Comics #1, and the debut of Superman.
Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Hawkman, Green Lantern, and a slew of other costumed vigilantes followed in his wake, and lasted through about 1951, when the Golden Age of the superhero died out to be replaced by cowboys, giant gorillas, and sometimes, cowboys fighting giant gorillas.
So, super-heroes died down for a while, but then in 1956 DC decided to try and refurbish a few of their bigger second bananas from the 30’s and 40’s. Beginning with The Flash, and followed in quick succession by Green Lantern, the Atom, and Hawkman, they soon repopulated their fictional universe with heroes who shared the code-names of their Golden Age counterparts, but little else.
The problem, of course, was that the big guns, and a couple of small guns – Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, and my boy Aquaman – had NOT ceased publication for those few years. So, while you had a Flash with a different identity than that of the 1940’s Flash, you had a Superman who was STILL Clark Kent, a Batman who was STILL Bruce Waye, etc…who had interacted with the 1940’s characters and were now interacting with the new characters as well.
DC’s solution was to create a multiverse, and if you’re unfamiliar with quantum physics I’ll summarize: theoretically, an infinite number of universes could exists within the same space, but each universe would have its own unique vibrational rate, so the different universes couldn’t interact – unless, of course, you live in a comic book, in which case interacting with a parallel universe is as easy as flipping on a light switch.
The fun began with a meeting of the Flash with his 1940’s counterpart, which established the existence of Earth-1 (the “modern” Earth, where super-heroes had arisen fairly recently) and Earth-2 (the “Golden Age” Earth, where the heroes had arisen in World War II and were now nearing retirement).
Quick on the heels of that story came the first meeting between the Justice League of America (Earth-1) and the Justice Society of America (Earth-2), where it was established that while some heroes had counterparts that were clearly different people (Flash, Green Lantern), other heroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman) had counterparts who were nearly identical, except for the age difference. This led to several intriguing-but-barely-investigated story possibilities – for instance, the Earth-2 Batman retired, married Catwoman, and had a daughter who became a super-hero herself.
Internal consistency problem solved? No, for the parallel Earths conceit soon got out of hand. Earth – 3 was introduced, a world with no super-heroes, only super-villains. Earth-S was introduced to house Captain Marvel and company (you may know his better by his magic word, “Shazam”), characters acquired from the defunct Fawcett comics. Another set of acquisitions from Quality Comics (Plastic Man and friends) led to the creation of Earth-X, a world where the Nazis had won World War II. And so on.
For their fiftieth anniversary in 1985, the powers-that-be at DC comics decided that they were going to “clean house”, and did so with the 12-issue limited series Crisis on Infinite Earths (the title being an homage to what were then annual meetings between the Justice League and the Justice Society, which always had “Crisis” in the title).
The story, in short: A galactic villain, the Anti-Monitor, decides that all universes composed of positive matter (in other words, all universes) need to be destroyed, and so he sets about doing just that. A lot of hullabaloo ensues, involving every character that DC had ever published, and in the end all the superheroes travel back to the beginning of time and change history, so that instead of a multiple universes being created, only ONE universe was.
The resulting single Earth, in the present, is an amalgamation of the previously-parallel Earths, supposedly preserving the “best” of all realities: The Justice Society did fight during World War II, but without Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, who according to the new history had not debuted until the modern era.
The Anti-Monitor is finally destroyed by the last remaining “stragglers” from the multiverse, who didn’t fit in the new history: The Golden-Age Superman from Earth 2; Alexander Luthor (son of Earth-3’s Lex Luthor, that world’s first and only super-hero); and the Superboy of Earth Prime (Earth Prime being, supposedly, “our” Earth). Once the Anti-Monitor is disposed of, Alexander Luthor takes the stragglers (along with the Golden Age Lois Lane) off into some sort of ambiguous “paradise”, presumably never to be seen again.
Still with me? Because now is where the fun really begins. Everyone at DC comics circa 1985 apparently had their heads up their asses, or was on drugs, or something, because no one apparently thought ahead to how such a radical change of fictional history would affect the fictional universe as it moved forward. Their first editorial mandate was that all the super-heroes WOULD remember the pre-Crisis multiverse - but a few months later it was decided to revamp Superman, giving him a completely different origin and toned-down powers, and making him the only living survivor of the planet Krypton – which meant that he could not remember having once been MORE powerful, nor could he remember his cousin Supergirl, who had died with great fanfare during the Crisis itself. So, all of a sudden, NO ONE remembered their pre-Crisis life.
Which meant that for all intents and purposes, no story published in the previous fifty years had really "happened".
While the revamp of Superman still had him debuting “several years ago”, the revamp of Wonder Woman had her debuting concurrently with the present – meaning that she now debuted after her own teen sidekick, Wonder Girl.
Batman inexplicably became a psychopathic asshole, who despite hating everyone and everything, was still unwilling to put a bullet through the head of the mass-murdering Joker, who crippled Batgirl and murdered Robin.
Hawkman, who was shown in several post-crisis stories as the same lovable galoot with a mace that he had always been, all of a sudden was also shown to be debuting in the present…which meant that he was not only invalidating all his pre-crisis appearances, but several post-crisis ones as well.
Essentially, the advice to creators seemed to be that they could do whatever the hell they wanted, without worrying about how to explain it.
(For the record, I will here state that the concept of parallel Earths never gave me one iota of confusion, even as a young child – as evidenced by the fact that I have written up to this point without needing to surf the internet for reference).
Now, twenty years later, and with a whole slew of continuity nightmares on their hands, DC has decided to revisit the whole mess with Infinite Crisis, a 7-issue “sequel” (currently on issue 4). The whole DC line has apparently been gearing up for this for quite a while, with lots of intentional continuity screw-ups which will apparently be explained, and lots of bloody super-hero deaths, and an apparent avoidance of any post-crisis editorial lapses (in March, the entire line-up – every title DC publishes – will “jump ahead” one year, so that creators can have a fresh start without screwing things up).
Infinite Crisis, so far, has revealed that the Earth-2 Superman, Lois Lane, Alexander Luthor, and Earth Prime Superboy have been not in paradise, but someplace where they could observe the amalgamated Earth, and boy are they pissed! Most especially Superman, who feels that the modern heroes have strayed from the classic ideal and really made a mess of things. His plan is to somehow “re-do” the crisis, so that instead of Earth-1 being the template for the amalgamated Earth, it will be Earth-2.
Unfortunately for Supes, Alexander Luthor has some sort of other plan which has yet to be fully revealed, and he’s duped Superboy into being his patsy. In issue 4, for example, Superboy-Prime is sent out to talk to the current Superboy (who is not Superman as a boy, but rather a clone created while Superman was dead – still with me?) and ends up accidentally killing about ten people, by knocking their heads off, ripping off their arms, that sort of thing.
Whoopsie!
At the end of issue 4, Alexander Luthor succeeds in splitting the amalgamated Earth back into Earth-1 and Earth-2, though as I hinted earlier, that doesn’t seem to be the complete goal of his machinations (though Golden Age Superman thinks it is).
So, we’ll see. I can’t see how they could possibly put the genie back in the bottle at this point, because they’ve had a whole bunch of characters start remembering their pre-Crisis lives, and now there appear to be two Earths again, which I can’t imagine being an editorial goal, but the only way out of it is to do a universe-wide memory wipe again, which would sort of be a cop-out.
Oh, yeah, and poor Superboy.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Because no one asked...
...here is a listing of all the DVDs I own.
Don't tell Jet, but including the wish list and all the bootleg DVDs, it's almost 600 items!
Since joining Netflix, I've cut way back on movie purchases, but I'm quite sure that someday I'll own DVD season sets of every television show I've ever liked in my whole life.
I mean, really, when something like THIS can be on the market, the sky's the limit.
Don't tell Jet, but including the wish list and all the bootleg DVDs, it's almost 600 items!
Since joining Netflix, I've cut way back on movie purchases, but I'm quite sure that someday I'll own DVD season sets of every television show I've ever liked in my whole life.
I mean, really, when something like THIS can be on the market, the sky's the limit.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Denmark, Schmenmark
Code Dependent has gently suggested that my obsession with Denmark be redirected northeast, to Norway, due in part to Filius Sororis' own obsession with Denmark's once-conjoined Northern neighbor.
I suppose my recently-discovered affections COULD be transferred with little trouble - after all, I have always liked the Norway pavillion at EPCOT (with one notable exceotion - see below).
The pros:
1) Vikings!
2) killer sweaters
3) An only slightly less-attractive Royal Family
4) I'll likely be performing a commissioned work by a Norwegian composer next year, and may be going there anyway, so I may as well get used to the idea
5) Norway pisses Condi Rice off like sweet little Denmark never could
The cons:
1) Norway claims a 100% literacy rate, but I have my doubts. As you know, I work at a major peer-reviewed scientific publication, and last year saw only 10 submissions from Norway, as opposed to 77 from Sweden, 63 from Denmark and 45 from Finland. Makes me think all the smart people are fleeing the country
2) The only actual person I've ever known from Norway is a dumbass, and mean
3) Norway's traditional Christmas dessert, "rice cream with red fruit sauce", looks like bloody vomit
4) Jet and I ate once at the Akershus in EPCOT's Norway pavillion. The waitress, who insisted on talking to us through our entire meal, had a voice that sounded like a dolphin squealing mixed with shattering glass
Well, so I guess my cons are a little superficial, hmmm?
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Hulp, ben ik bezeten door het Deens!
I can't explain it, so don't ask me - but I've been seized by a sudden and inescapable obsession with Denmark.
It's a little disconcerting, frankly. I don't care for Hans Chrisian Andersen stories, and I'm not even particularly fond of the breakfast pastries.
I'm not Danish, nor are any of my kin - and yet, even a cursory examination of the Rubble traditional dietary habits will reveal several curiously Danish-like elements such as kale, pickled herring, and slathering every sandwich with butter no matter what else goes on it.
I AM Lutheran, as are 96% of Danish nationals.
And I DO like Legos (product of Denmark!)
Perhaps it's the uniformly attractive Danish Royal Family (well, except for Princess Elizabeth - she looks as if she's been kept away from the public eye for quite some time.)
Or maybe it's my envy and admiration of Denmark's 100% literacy rate.
Whatever it is, I'm about through with it, so any advice on ridding myself of this compulsion is welcome.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
And the Oscar goes to...
....Heath Ledger, if there's any justice in the world.
Which there isn't, so it probably won't.
So, yes, we've seen Brokeback Mountain, and...well....
Feh. Not the best, not the worst movie I've ever seen. Towards the "best" end, I just don't seem to be as crazy about it as everyone else in America. Even though I cried at the end.
I also cry at the end of The Color Purple, even though I've seen it a billion times, and aven though it's completely manipulative, and even if the last five minutes is ALL I WATCH.
Anyway, I digress...
If you've already seen the movie, go ahead and highlight the missing text below to see what I think. If not, just skip ahead, and if you choose to highlight anyway don't blame me for spoiling anything.
First of all, Brokeback is NOT about "gay cowboys" as 1) there are no COWS in the entire movie, and 2) neither of the leading characters ever self-identifies as gay.
Second of all, I suppose that what keeps me from giving it a glowing review is the fact that these two men are irresistably drawn to each other over the course of twenty years, at the expense of their families and careers, and the payoff seems to be getting drunk and having hot gay sex. Now, I'm not one to pass on either, but there's more to romance than THAT. I wanted to see a little more of what made them SO in love with each other.
In short, I came away feeling that if they HAD been able to be together, it wouldn't have worked out very well.
Plus Jack Twist was a cheater.
Plus Heath Ledger has a weird chest hair pattern. Kind of like he spread Elmer's glue on his chest and rolled around on some SOS pads.
Plus this picture of Heath Ledger naked is nowhere to be seen in the whole movie!
But that's just my take.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
High school dropout-turned-Nostradamus scholar John Hogue has issued his predictions for 2006. Fascinating, prescient, ridiculous, or a logical extension of current events - depending on your point of view.
I just wish he'd get an editor. Valerie PALME?
Which there isn't, so it probably won't.
So, yes, we've seen Brokeback Mountain, and...well....
Feh. Not the best, not the worst movie I've ever seen. Towards the "best" end, I just don't seem to be as crazy about it as everyone else in America. Even though I cried at the end.
I also cry at the end of The Color Purple, even though I've seen it a billion times, and aven though it's completely manipulative, and even if the last five minutes is ALL I WATCH.
Anyway, I digress...
If you've already seen the movie, go ahead and highlight the missing text below to see what I think. If not, just skip ahead, and if you choose to highlight anyway don't blame me for spoiling anything.
First of all, Brokeback is NOT about "gay cowboys" as 1) there are no COWS in the entire movie, and 2) neither of the leading characters ever self-identifies as gay.
Second of all, I suppose that what keeps me from giving it a glowing review is the fact that these two men are irresistably drawn to each other over the course of twenty years, at the expense of their families and careers, and the payoff seems to be getting drunk and having hot gay sex. Now, I'm not one to pass on either, but there's more to romance than THAT. I wanted to see a little more of what made them SO in love with each other.
In short, I came away feeling that if they HAD been able to be together, it wouldn't have worked out very well.
Plus Jack Twist was a cheater.
Plus Heath Ledger has a weird chest hair pattern. Kind of like he spread Elmer's glue on his chest and rolled around on some SOS pads.
Plus this picture of Heath Ledger naked is nowhere to be seen in the whole movie!
But that's just my take.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
High school dropout-turned-Nostradamus scholar John Hogue has issued his predictions for 2006. Fascinating, prescient, ridiculous, or a logical extension of current events - depending on your point of view.
I just wish he'd get an editor. Valerie PALME?
Friday, January 06, 2006
Tina! Bring me the axe!
More on Mother Rubble - family lore records that, at age 2, riding the train from Columbus to Louisville, she sat on Joan Crawford's lap (what Joan Crawford was doing in Columbus OR Louisville remains a mystery).
What is a bigger mystery is how an idea that LSBB had never occured to me, being that I can quote any line from "Mommie Dearest" on command, like a drop-the-needle Music History test. In LSBB's boredom-induced fantasy, Baby Mother Rubble was actually adopted by Joan Crawford, instead of Baby Cristina, and this alternate Mother Rubble grew up hating the dirt and not Helga.
At this moment, LSBB is working up an impersonation of Mother Rubble doing all of Cristina's lines from Mommie Dearest, surely the best movie since...oh, Girls Will Be Girls, or The Best of Everything. When it's perfected, I'll see if I can't attach a sound clip.
What is a bigger mystery is how an idea that LSBB had never occured to me, being that I can quote any line from "Mommie Dearest" on command, like a drop-the-needle Music History test. In LSBB's boredom-induced fantasy, Baby Mother Rubble was actually adopted by Joan Crawford, instead of Baby Cristina, and this alternate Mother Rubble grew up hating the dirt and not Helga.
At this moment, LSBB is working up an impersonation of Mother Rubble doing all of Cristina's lines from Mommie Dearest, surely the best movie since...oh, Girls Will Be Girls, or The Best of Everything. When it's perfected, I'll see if I can't attach a sound clip.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
The continuing ballad(s) of Frito Joe
So, today I discovered that a co-worker, who apparently has even more time on her hands than I do, has developed a whole Frito Joe mythology with which to delight her family and friends. I had wondered why she was CONSTANTLY pressing me for juicy, antic-filled stories of Frito Joe's mischievous behavior, but hadn't imagined that she would use them to craft a whole little Frito Joe-centric world for herself. Not unlike what Jet and I do with grocery store clerks.
Frito Joe, incidentally, snuck out of the house last night at 3 am, to eat cat shit.
Happy Birthday to Mother Rubble, 77 and still going strong. (I'd say she's over the moon with glee, except I'd be afraid of causing offense. Long story. Suffice it to say she's probably visited this page once or twice.)
Here she is in her glory days as Head of Archery at Grandview Heights High School, 1947. (Which she has no memory of - I asked.)
Now for a couple of thumbnail reviews of the year's most anticipated films:
Narnia: Perfection. I was crying from beginning to end, it was so perfect. Go see it at once, and plan to spend the day and see it several times in succession.
King Kong: Sucks, and sucks hard. Really cut me to the quick, as I was waiting for it all year long. I LOVED Lord of the Rings (well, up until the giggly slo-mo pillow fight scene) but never imagined that Peter Jackson would deliver such a leaden monstrosity ( pun intended).
And I mean, really - Jack Black? Was EVERY OTHER CHARACTER ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD busy?
Naomi Watts and Jamie Bell escape with their dignity, just.
Bareback Mounting (tee hee): Haven't seen it yet, will go this weekend, but I have to admit to a great deal of trepidation. I mean, having exposed the undercurrent of homoeroticism inherent in ALL male adventure fiction, and taken it to its logical conclusion, what's left for us poor little gay boys who love to watch Westerns and War films and Gladiator movies and professional wrestling SOLELY to pick up all the gay subtext? It seems to me that Brokeback has kind of spoiled things forever! Well, I suppose I'll see.
Speaking of gay subtext, I leave you with a book recommendation: The Man Who Invented Rock Hudson by Robert Hofler. PLENTY of delicious fifties' Hollywood gay gossip. Don't miss the revelations about Guy Madison and Rory Calhoun, you won't be sorry!
Frito Joe, incidentally, snuck out of the house last night at 3 am, to eat cat shit.
Happy Birthday to Mother Rubble, 77 and still going strong. (I'd say she's over the moon with glee, except I'd be afraid of causing offense. Long story. Suffice it to say she's probably visited this page once or twice.)
Here she is in her glory days as Head of Archery at Grandview Heights High School, 1947. (Which she has no memory of - I asked.)
Now for a couple of thumbnail reviews of the year's most anticipated films:
Narnia: Perfection. I was crying from beginning to end, it was so perfect. Go see it at once, and plan to spend the day and see it several times in succession.
King Kong: Sucks, and sucks hard. Really cut me to the quick, as I was waiting for it all year long. I LOVED Lord of the Rings (well, up until the giggly slo-mo pillow fight scene) but never imagined that Peter Jackson would deliver such a leaden monstrosity ( pun intended).
And I mean, really - Jack Black? Was EVERY OTHER CHARACTER ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD busy?
Naomi Watts and Jamie Bell escape with their dignity, just.
Bareback Mounting (tee hee): Haven't seen it yet, will go this weekend, but I have to admit to a great deal of trepidation. I mean, having exposed the undercurrent of homoeroticism inherent in ALL male adventure fiction, and taken it to its logical conclusion, what's left for us poor little gay boys who love to watch Westerns and War films and Gladiator movies and professional wrestling SOLELY to pick up all the gay subtext? It seems to me that Brokeback has kind of spoiled things forever! Well, I suppose I'll see.
Speaking of gay subtext, I leave you with a book recommendation: The Man Who Invented Rock Hudson by Robert Hofler. PLENTY of delicious fifties' Hollywood gay gossip. Don't miss the revelations about Guy Madison and Rory Calhoun, you won't be sorry!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I hereby resolve...
Okay, I’m back. With a New Year's resolution (only three days late!)– I will post something, every day, no matter how senseless or banal. Happy now? So stop bugging me already!
A brief catch-up:
November: started kitchen renovations, JUST in time for Thanksgiving. Spent a lot of time standing around acting incompetent, and handing Jet ...oh, what are those things that men use to fix things...oh, yeah, tools. Major contribution: insisiting that the color scheme be this and this to go along with the Jet-chosen this and this.
A brief catch-up:
November: started kitchen renovations, JUST in time for Thanksgiving. Spent a lot of time standing around acting incompetent, and handing Jet ...oh, what are those things that men use to fix things...oh, yeah, tools. Major contribution: insisiting that the color scheme be this and this to go along with the Jet-chosen this and this.
Thanksgiving: Finished the kitchen in the knick of time and welcomed Jub Jub for a few days, as well as Penelope Pitstop and her husband Hairy James, and Penelope's father, who Jet has a crush on. Hopes for a romantic pairing between Jub Jub and Mr. Pitstop fell through, sadly.
December: Worked too hard in too many different places and got cranky and jaded.
Christmas: Welcomed Mother Rubble for a nice long visit, and tried to work through the crankiness with varying amounts of success.
Gifts: The next two volumes in The Complete Peanuts, which held a surprising revelation for me, given that I am a fan of both Peanuts and long-forgotten characters: the long-forgotten Peanuts character Charlotte Braun.
Jet got everything his heart desired, only he didn't know it until he got it, because he doesn't care about presents one single bit, so it's up to me to decide what he wants, and then get it. (Okay, so it's maybe not EVERYTHING his heart desired, but it was three seasons of Northern Exposure on DVD, secured at a remarkable discount, so it's a start.)
January: Went to New Year's Day party at the home of FitzJames and Kitten, where Mother Rubble not only sat at the piano and sang "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey", but also her signature song, "Low and Lonely". The only dowwnside was the presence of the odious Mr. R, who has only four topics of conversation:
1) How much money he has
2) How many famous people he knows
3) How many houses he owns
4) Las Vegas
Mr. R. is some sort of representative for the Las Vegas Visitor's Bureau, or something as well as a progessional male escort who squires old women around because their husbands don't want to be botehred with them. He also manages to make racist comments, even though his partner is black. Odious, I tell you.
So, then, all caught up. Tomorrow – movie reviews! (but if you just can't wait another single second, go here and raise my Amazon reviewer rank.)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Dogs in Costumes
So, Niece Ratchet thinks we are turning into those creepy kind of people who dress up their dogs for each season and parade them around the shopping malls and such.
She adds, "Well, at least it's not cats."
She adds, "Well, at least it's not cats."
Friday, October 21, 2005
Steve Klein is my new best friend
From the Raleigh-Durham News & Observer:
Homosexuality is very complex behavior; it appears in every generation, in every culture and in many species besides our own. It can't be a product of evolution because homosexuals don't reproduce. Homosexuality must be a product of Intelligent Design.
Steve Klein
Raleigh
Homosexuality is very complex behavior; it appears in every generation, in every culture and in many species besides our own. It can't be a product of evolution because homosexuals don't reproduce. Homosexuality must be a product of Intelligent Design.
Steve Klein
Raleigh
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Grill of my dreams, part 2
For those keeping breathless track of these sorts of things, LSBB has successfully completed "Phase 1" of her oral reconstruction, which apparently involves filing her teeth down into pointy nubs so that a wax representation of her eventual new teeth can be fitted over. Something like this:
More horror stories from the dentist's chair to come!
More horror stories from the dentist's chair to come!
Phil 'er up
My prayers have been answered at last: idiotic hayseed blowhard Dr. Phil is finally going to get his comeuppance. Seems his “ultimate weight-loss solution”, which involves not only diet and exercise, but $120/month worth of pills, DOESN’T WORK.
Which should have been patently obvious to everyone, since he and his moon-faced not-a-teen son are STILL FAT.
Well, at least he has berating the psychologically weak, offering them no solutions, and terrorizing his wife to fall back on.
Oh, and speaking of terrorizing, I suppose I’m behind the times in announcing that mumbly-mouthed actor Nicholas Cage has successfully ruined his infant son’s life by naming him Kal-El, which is as many of you will know, Superman’s Kryptonian name.
Incidentally, Mr. Cage Senior speaks fluent Klingon, but failed high school French.
Okay, I made that last part up. The only benefit I see for Mr. Cage Junior is that Apple Paltrow will have someone to hang out with on the playground.
As I write (October 5, 2005, 9:55 am) a mysterious package has been found at the White House. What’s the mystery? I could have told them – it’s a rolled up sock.
Which should have been patently obvious to everyone, since he and his moon-faced not-a-teen son are STILL FAT.
Well, at least he has berating the psychologically weak, offering them no solutions, and terrorizing his wife to fall back on.
Oh, and speaking of terrorizing, I suppose I’m behind the times in announcing that mumbly-mouthed actor Nicholas Cage has successfully ruined his infant son’s life by naming him Kal-El, which is as many of you will know, Superman’s Kryptonian name.
Incidentally, Mr. Cage Senior speaks fluent Klingon, but failed high school French.
Okay, I made that last part up. The only benefit I see for Mr. Cage Junior is that Apple Paltrow will have someone to hang out with on the playground.
As I write (October 5, 2005, 9:55 am) a mysterious package has been found at the White House. What’s the mystery? I could have told them – it’s a rolled up sock.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
You've HAD it, Noxley
Ned Noxley, who walks by my desk at least five times a day, yet has never smiled, made eye contact or said hello even though I have worked here for A YEAR AND A HALF, has waited until I start a diet to reveal that his "roommate" works at a bakery, and is apparently compelled to bring home all the leftover baked goods at the end of every day, which Noxley then brings to work (as it's patently obvious that he, himself, hasn't eaten a baked good in about 25 years).
He then sends out cheery e-mails with the subject line "Baked goods for all in the Meetings Dept!", meaning that to AVOID the temptation of sweet, delicious baked goods, I have to take the LONG way to get to the restroom or the elevators or anywhere else I need to go!
And then, today, the last straw: sending NO email warning, and simply placing the sweet, delicious baked goods in the kitchen, where I HAVE to go to get my sugar-free Jell-o cups and calorie-free water.
Damn you, Noxley.
Well, a word to the wise: if you're going to mess with me, and prance around not being friendly, maybe you should make sure there are no pictures floating around the internet of you being sold at a gay bachelor auction.
Oh, and PS - I know how old you are. You may think you've cheated the reaper by casting off all your free baked goods, but you're not fooling ME.
Oh, and PPS - you have the same name as my DOG, dude.
He then sends out cheery e-mails with the subject line "Baked goods for all in the Meetings Dept!", meaning that to AVOID the temptation of sweet, delicious baked goods, I have to take the LONG way to get to the restroom or the elevators or anywhere else I need to go!
And then, today, the last straw: sending NO email warning, and simply placing the sweet, delicious baked goods in the kitchen, where I HAVE to go to get my sugar-free Jell-o cups and calorie-free water.
Damn you, Noxley.
Well, a word to the wise: if you're going to mess with me, and prance around not being friendly, maybe you should make sure there are no pictures floating around the internet of you being sold at a gay bachelor auction.
Oh, and PS - I know how old you are. You may think you've cheated the reaper by casting off all your free baked goods, but you're not fooling ME.
Oh, and PPS - you have the same name as my DOG, dude.
Grill of my dreams
So, LSBB, who has been complaining about her teeth for years (thinking they make her look ugly, which they DON'T) is finally to have them all shined up and/or replaced. I'm not exactly clear on the precise procedure, but I'm sure it involves needles and plaster, so I'm keeping myself ignorant of the details. She's certain her problems stem from our childhood visits to Dr. Eldritch, the Nazi orthodontist, who would clasp his hands together in glee when she would arrive for her check-up and say "Its time to tighten zee braces!", and then there would be a thunder clap in the distance (of course, I never had any problem, as my teeth straightened into textbook perfection with only eight months in braces and have remained perfect to this very day). At any rate, LSBB's teeth, in a few short days, will be transformed from this:
to THIS....
In other news, the National Enquirer is reporting that President Bush is drinking again. Thank God. Maybe things'll start to look up.
to THIS....
In other news, the National Enquirer is reporting that President Bush is drinking again. Thank God. Maybe things'll start to look up.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Can I get a little Aqua-Love?
Have you ever been next to someone who smelled so strongly of being unwashed that the smell stayed with you long after the person was gone? Well, if not, you should be sure and go to a comic book convention next time one rolls through your town, as I did last Saturday.
Lest you mock, be aware that I will brook no jesting, and have been looking forward to said event for two years, since I had to skip last year. So there.
The first time I went, I had a pitiful little twenty dollars to spend, and so bought my first black-market bootleg DVD, Song of the South. This time around, I came armed with plenty of dough, as well as a carefully-researched list of things I wanted and how much they cost on eBay, so I didn’t overspend in the heady rush of seeing real items in front of my eyes.
So, first to the bootleg DVDs, which I’m now careful to limit to things I’m certain will NEVER be released commercially:
Now, if by “1970’s Aquaman” you think I’m talking about the lame-ass, emasculated fool on Superfriends who’s primary skill seemed to be riding a jet ski and sending small schools of perch to attack nuclear subs and the like, then you’ve got another think coming. Unfortunately, the powers-that-be (also know as Time-Life-Warner-AOL, or whatever the hell it’s called now), who seem to own every cartoon character EVER, have done little to correct this impression of Aquaman. Rather, they seem to have bought into it themselves, and have struggled fruitlessly to re-invent Aquaman for a cool, hip audience, instead of just going back to what worked just fine for, oh, about 35 years.
Don’t get me wrong - by “worked”, I don’t mean that Aquaman was ever a sales dynamo, nor is he ever likely to be. He is, after all, sort of limited by his environment (as LSBB remarks, “How much crime could there be underwater?”) nonetheless, he was a good, solid, dependable secondary character, who headlined his own feature through the “dark ages” of the early 1950’s (when Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and fellow second-stringer Green Arrow were then only other survivors), he had his own pre-Superfriends cartoon show, and his wife even had her own "Super-Queen Posin' Doll".
Yes, wife, for Aquaman was the first of the super-hero set to marry his long-time girlfriend, Mera. Mera was the queen of an inter-dimensional water world who forsook her throne in order to marry Aquaman and help him fight crime. She had the ability to make water hard (among other things, one would presume - rrrrrrowl!) and shape it into giant fists and battering rams and....well, yeah, that's pretty much it.
My presumption is that Aquaman hurried the wedding along to quell rumors about he and Aqualad, a purple-eyed Atlantean orphan that Aquaman had taken in years earlier. Poor kid always looked a little fey to me, despite the presence of his “girlfriend”, Aquagirl
Mera and Big A had a baby (wait for it…….Aquababy) who was later killed by Aquaman’s arch-foe Black Manta (a family death...another first!) Once Aquababy died, all bets were off. The powers-that-be set off on their ill-advised coarse of making Aquaman “hip” and “relevant” by:
Lest you mock, be aware that I will brook no jesting, and have been looking forward to said event for two years, since I had to skip last year. So there.
The first time I went, I had a pitiful little twenty dollars to spend, and so bought my first black-market bootleg DVD, Song of the South. This time around, I came armed with plenty of dough, as well as a carefully-researched list of things I wanted and how much they cost on eBay, so I didn’t overspend in the heady rush of seeing real items in front of my eyes.
So, first to the bootleg DVDs, which I’m now careful to limit to things I’m certain will NEVER be released commercially:
- The Banana Splits (the complete 1968 series)
- Jason of Star Command
- Supergrass (a British movie with Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French)
- Pufnstuf, the Movie (with special guest star Mama Cass as Witch Hazel)
- Three unreleased super-hero tv pilots (Aquaman, Power Pack, and the Human Target starring Rick Springfield)
- And, for Jet: Captain Eo, the special edition
Then, on over to the comics side of the hall to pick up a ton of Adventure and Aquaman comics, bringing me ever closer to my lifelong goal of owning every 1970’s appearance of Aquaman ever.
Pardon?
Because 1970’s Aquaman rules, punk, and I won’t hear anything against him.
Now, if by “1970’s Aquaman” you think I’m talking about the lame-ass, emasculated fool on Superfriends who’s primary skill seemed to be riding a jet ski and sending small schools of perch to attack nuclear subs and the like, then you’ve got another think coming. Unfortunately, the powers-that-be (also know as Time-Life-Warner-AOL, or whatever the hell it’s called now), who seem to own every cartoon character EVER, have done little to correct this impression of Aquaman. Rather, they seem to have bought into it themselves, and have struggled fruitlessly to re-invent Aquaman for a cool, hip audience, instead of just going back to what worked just fine for, oh, about 35 years.
Don’t get me wrong - by “worked”, I don’t mean that Aquaman was ever a sales dynamo, nor is he ever likely to be. He is, after all, sort of limited by his environment (as LSBB remarks, “How much crime could there be underwater?”) nonetheless, he was a good, solid, dependable secondary character, who headlined his own feature through the “dark ages” of the early 1950’s (when Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and fellow second-stringer Green Arrow were then only other survivors), he had his own pre-Superfriends cartoon show, and his wife even had her own "Super-Queen Posin' Doll".
Yes, wife, for Aquaman was the first of the super-hero set to marry his long-time girlfriend, Mera. Mera was the queen of an inter-dimensional water world who forsook her throne in order to marry Aquaman and help him fight crime. She had the ability to make water hard (among other things, one would presume - rrrrrrowl!) and shape it into giant fists and battering rams and....well, yeah, that's pretty much it.
My presumption is that Aquaman hurried the wedding along to quell rumors about he and Aqualad, a purple-eyed Atlantean orphan that Aquaman had taken in years earlier. Poor kid always looked a little fey to me, despite the presence of his “girlfriend”, Aquagirl
Mera and Big A had a baby (wait for it…….Aquababy) who was later killed by Aquaman’s arch-foe Black Manta (a family death...another first!) Once Aquababy died, all bets were off. The powers-that-be set off on their ill-advised coarse of making Aquaman “hip” and “relevant” by:
- Driving Mera crazy, having her try and kill Aquaman, and then sending her back to her own dimension
- Having Aquagirl drown to death in a toxic chemical spill
- Having Aqualad grow up, become a sorcerer, and change his name to “Tempest”, and get a new costume that still made him look like a fag
- Revealing that Aquaman had an illegitimate Eskimo son who inexplicably has Mera’s hard-water powers
- Having Aquaman get his hand chewed off by a school of piranhas, replace his lost hand with a harpoon, grow a beard (and sometimes chest hair, depending on the artist - a bright spot in a sea of bad ideas) and wear armor
- Having Aquaman have an affair with a human-dolphin hybrid, who then had an affair with Tempest, who impregnated her
- Having Aquaman get a new hand made of water, and wear some of Abba's old stage outfits
Currently on the comics scene, Aquaman has put his orange shirt back on, and protects the city of Sub Diego (previously San Diego, only now it’s submerged in the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, I think it sounds stupid, too.)
But, I have my seventies’ comics, and that’s just fine.
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